The Original GamerC

RE: The woes bar...

wiifreak — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 03:45:35 GMT

I am miserable beyond all comprehension

My mom could tell I was depressed yesterday, and I ended up opening up to her, which is something I don't do with any of my family really...

I tried calling her last night...she was at orientation for school and when I called her back later I got no answer. I tried twice this morning on the way to school but no answer....

I sent her an extensive instant message...telling her pretty much how I feel, and hopefully I can get some clarity out of this...asking her some questions that I really need answers for. I'm pretty sure I covered what I wanted to.

It's just awful. I can't even function at all really. I actually shed a few tears, not enough to be consider crying though. I haven't cried since the tragedy that brought me and her together in the first place

RE: The woes bar...

wiifreak — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:37:18 GMT

Oh yeah, I forgot. I think I know why she is afraid of commitment. See, she had a boyfriend a couple years ago, whom she was with for 7 months. And I'm pretty sure this was her first boyfriend, if not then it was her first serious one, and probably the most serious one she's ever had. And I think, that this was a whole new thing to her......the first time she ever had such feelings for someone...and her boyfriend moved to the United States. Before he left, he broke up with her.......and she was heartbroken. And she doesn't want to risk that feeling coming back to her again.

I think this is a pretty solid answer to that question I've been trying to figure out for oh so long...I'm thinking of telling her that when I talk to her tonight.

And also, this morning I was telling her how I hope things work for her and her boyfriend. But she continuously denied that I really meant it, and that I was just trying to make her happy. I guess that's true. But I suppose that one of us being happy is better than neither of us being happy.

RE: The woes bar...

wiifreak — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:30:31 GMT

Well friend, I'm gonna try and sum up what's happened...I'm not sure at what point you started following my story, but here it goes...

Before this past March, I didn't even know this girl. See, my mom had a previous marriage before the one I was born from. My mom and her ex-husband had my two half-siblings during their marriage. After they got divorced, my mom took custody of my half-siblings and moved out of Saipan (look it up) and back here to Florida. My mom got re-married and had me and my younger sister. Meanwhile, my mom's ex-husband got married to the lady whom he had been cheating with on my mom, and had three daughters.

My half-sister, whom I was extremely close to, took a visit to see her dad one day. He convinced her to stay, and my half-sister was able to build herself a very successful life there. She had been living there for the past 4 years. Back in around January she started getting strange symptoms on her business trips. In February, she collapsed. She recovered for about 4 days, and before she was able to get some tests, she collapsed again. She eventually went brain dead, and my family had to take an emergency trip halfway around the world.

I remember arriving on a Monday night. One of her relatives from her dad's side drove us to the hospital. I went into her hospital room. I couldn't believe what I saw. I was losing my best friend. After I left the room, I walked through the hallway and opened the door out into the hospital courtyard where some of my half-sister's family was.

I saw this girl standing there, and I swear, all the light faded in on her. Love at first sight? I really don't know for sure. Maybe. I didn't even speak to her that night, as my family left almost right after I'd seen her.

I later learned she was the youngest daughter of my mom's ex-husband.

We then really met in the following days. I remember one time, it was just me and her in our half-sister's hospital room, standing next to each other, looking at our leaving friend. Then we looked into each other's eyes, and it was almost like a feeling of "Well maybe I can make a new friend out of this whole tragedy."

The 3rd or 4th day we were flirting nonstop. I remember one time, we were both laying on a bed at her grandma's house, and we started venting to each other out of nowhere. It was almost surreal; I was trusting someone who I'd just met more than anybody else I knew my whole life.

My half-sister did not have much hope at all, and we decided it was best to take her off the machines and let her be free.

I was in Saipan for about 8 days. It almost felt like me and this girl had known each other for so long with how fast we bonded. I remember I hugged her the night before I left, after saying things that I don't even remember; it was like a blur.

In April, she shocked me with the news that she had gotten a boyfriend. But that wasn't going to stop me from loving her.

The passing of my half-sister really re-united the two families. I barely even knew anything about that side of my half-sister's family until this tragedy. A vacation was planned. The girl's family came here this summer. Her older sister had been going to high school in Washington, so they went for her graduation, and then they all came here to Florida. I was so happy just to know I would be seeing this girl, and to know that maybe I would have a chance to pull off some magic, though the chances of that were extremely slim.

While in Washington, she called me several times and we talked until like four in the morning. I remember her telling me how the last time she had seen her boyfriend before she left for vacation, she ran away from him, crying. Despite me wanting her so badly, I honestly tried helping her situation with her boyfriend if she was having an issue.

The first night she got here, we sat outside on the swing together, just talking to each other, all the way to sunrise. A couple nights later, her dad found something in which she had written about an incident she had with her mom, and how it upset her. Her dad, for whatever reason, threatened her to go back by herself in a couple days. I hugged her and told her that wasn't going to happen. I was really worried at the time, and I decided I would tell her something. I simply told her "You're my best friend." She later went on to say that that was the night her feelings for me started to change. Later that night we were just holding each other's hands and caressing each other.

The next day we went to the cemetery, where our half-sister was buried. Once we got back in the car I just put my arm around her to try and comfort her, and then, for whatever reason, we were holding hands again.

Later that night, we were all sleeping on an air mattress. Me, her, my younger sister, and her two older sisters. In the dark, we started caressing each other again. And then, a magical thing happened. Our lips met. I remember pecking her lips three times, as I was just so amazed to really believe this was actually happening. The fourth time, I just held it. It was so amazing. I recall kissing her what had to have been hundreds of more times that night, just to make sure the previous one actually happened.

A couple days later, after a brunch at the house, she went to rest, and I decided to as well. Well, it turned into us making out for the first time. After one of the times when our mouths went apart, I somehow got the words out. "I love you." Then, she said something, but I didn't hear it. So I asked her softly, "What." She gave me the best four word response ever. I had to get ready for a concert, and I remember showering after I had just stopped making out with her, and how I was literally freaking out due to pure surreality.

The nights went on, and it was pretty much heaven. It was pure joy. I had somehow pulled it off. There were no two happier people in the world than me and her. We also began getting very intimate physically, which, when paired with all the emotion, is better than every single thing in the universe, I'm telling you.

One morning, after getting our clothes back on, she expressed doubt about what was going to happen with us, and told me how she would go back with her boyfriend. I wasn't going to her that. Not now. But yet she was seriously telling me that, with lots of "Please don't be me at me'''s and "I hope your not mad about my decision'''s. This was very early in the morning; the sun had already risen. She gave me this poem that her friend had once written.

I just pulled it out of my cabinet and unfolded it. Here it is in it's entirety:

"Age of six, he loved her so,
And everyday, he'd let her know.

'I love you Grace', he'd say each day,
She'd just laugh, and run away.

Till one day, she turned around,
And sat with him, on the playground.

'I'm sorry Chris, I don't love you,
You'll find someone else who loves you too'.

High school came, they met again,
They laughed about, the things back then.

They began to date, and fell in love,
He got the girl, that he'd dreamed of.

But when college came, everything changed.
They were far apart, with lives rearranged.

'We'll be fine Grace', but she had doubt.
She turned and said, "it won't work out".

'I'm sorry Chris, I can't love you,
You'll find someone, who loves you too.'

In their twenties, they met again,
They laughed about, the things back then.

He took her hand, they began to dance,
Remembering, their old romance.

Two years later, she became his wife,
They'd be together, all of their life.

They went on a drive, when it was no longer light,
They drove down the roads, of the starry night.

The music came on, she started to sing,
He whispered, 'Grace, you're my everything.'

But then suddenly, in one big flash.
Headlights shone, as their car crashed.

He saw her laying, down on the ground,
He felt his tears, start rolling down.

'Grace...' he cried, she took his hand,
'I have to leave, please understand.'

'I love you so much, it's always been true,
But you'll find someone else, and you'll love again too.'

'No', he cried, 'It's always been you,
I don't want someone else, I only want you.'

And there on that street, is where she cried,
Hugging his love, as she slowly died."

I took from that that she was afraid of commitment. We talked later that day at a fourth of July party. I asked her if it had something to do with a fear of commitment, and I was right. I also told her, "I'll wait for you if you wait for me." And she said she would wait.

So, through all that happened that day, when we were supposed to let go, it just didn't happen. Our love for each other just wouldn't stop. This led into an amazing week at Disneyworld and Universal, and then a day-long concert, where we kissed in the rain for the first time.

All of a sudden, it was her last night here. Everyone fell asleep that night except for us. We watched Titanic together. It ended at around 4 in the morning. Then we went into my room, and, made love. Once we'd stopped, I gave her a letter I had written her. This was 7 pages of pure emotion. That was the most I may ever open up to anyone at any one time, yet I wasn't scared. You would think I would hide under the covers, but I didn't. I just looked at her as she read it. I then glanced at the letter. She was on the last page. When she finished, she put it down on the nightstand, and we began to make out, and then eventually, make love, again.

The day came, and she had to leave. Ever since she left I kept in contact with her, even if it meant talking to her at extreme hours, as the time difference of fourteen hours isn't very convenient.

One day when I was talking to her, I was teasing her about something jokingly, and she jokingly responded, "You better stop or I'm going to change my mind on what I'm doing." I realized, she had officially broken up with her boyfriend.

There's another friend of hers who has done a lot for her. He seems to be there for her, and as much as I would help her if I was there, I wasn't there.

And well, apparently some things changed, as when I got up this morning, I turned on the computer just to read this offline instant message she had sent me:

"i think i should've told you a long time ago but i'm dating ______...
i was just sorta scared to say it.
i'm sorry.''

I couldn't believe it. I called her and talked to her during the long bus ride to school. I asked her if it was because I wasn't there. She said that was indeed part of it. And here I am, exactly 2 months later after getting her warning of her fear of commitment, feeling the worst I ever have in my life. Some other things were said, but I don't remember all of it. I didn't want to cry while on the phone, not only because I was on the bus, but because she was crying already, and I didn't want to make her feel even worse. She says she told her ex-boyfriend about the time she had with me over the summer, and that he totally broke down. I'm just not sure what to think. I asked her what she was feeling while me and her were so madly in love this summer, and she said "I was happy." So I then asked her why she would make this change, and in a voice of cracking into tears, she said "I don't know", with a very melancholy tone.

I told her about how she had warned me, and she replied by telling me how I should've listened. But I'm too in love with her, and I was too in love with her at the time, to do that. To listen.

She then started telling me even more about her concerns about commitment. I mean, she said, "Five months from now it's pretty uncertain whether or not I will still be with him but I don't think I will be." She's telling me about how he's three years older than her, and how that won't let it work. Kinda reminds me of the 8,200 miles separating me and her.

So what do you think of this? I just love her so much, and I guess I will have to stick with my pursuit of her. All the past guys weren't able to put up with her, whether it be her problems with commitment or the crap she has to go through.

But I don't have to be like them. I've probably lasted longer than any of her past boyfriends have in terms of keeping faith in her, and I will continue to keep my faith in her. If it drives me to the point of death, then so be it. She means everything to me. And I know things would be different if she was here right now. Maybe the circumstances will some day be on our side.

This is so difficult, but I don't really have any other choice. I can't possibly see myself as happy with anybody else. I just don't want anybody else, at all. I am also moderately strong in my belief that God will make everything turn out well for me, and I really need to keep that faithfulness in me more than ever.

RE: The woes bar...

Jonafat — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:28:44 GMT

Does she really love you? I mean, really love you? If so, she'll come back to you. The heart beckons what the mind cannot.

RE: The woes bar...

wiifreak — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 09:30:03 GMT

And now she breaks my heart..........what the fucking fuck?

And she did it in an IM while I was sleep, not even when we were both talking to each other.

I hope she's happy with him. God damn it, this the worst I've ever felt in my fucking life.

HOW!????????????? How could this happen?!

RE: The woes bar...

wiifreak — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 00:19:56 GMT

Oh goodness!

I was just talking to her dad online. I just happened to pop the question, "So when are you guys coming back?"

He told me once he settles everything with his divorce, he wants to come back here to Florida and set up things for Patty and her sister to move here! He wants them to go to school here!

This is fabulous guys, fabulous!

I'm not sure when the move would be made, but I'm guessing it wouldn't be made in the midst of the school year. A move halfway across the world over winter break is probably way too much to ask for. I could definitely see it being this summer though!

RE: The woes bar...

wiifreak — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 02:35:37 GMT

In this instance of his drinking, my dad has been talking to his older brother, and now hanging out with him, which according to my mom, and my dad's other siblings, is awful. I'm not even sure if I've ever met this uncle, but apparently he's had an awful history with the law, spending awful amounts of time in jail and being a very violent person. I've heard him labeled as "evil" and a psychopath.

My mom is worried that since my dad is with him, he could manipulate my dad into doing something really bad, as if this crap wasn't bad enough. I honestly don't know why my dad started talking to him in the first place with what I've heard about this guy. My dad and his siblings were not raised well AT ALL, but some of them (including my dad I would say) turned out decent. This guy is not like that though. My mom was talking to my dad's sister the other day, and when she heard my dad was hanging out with this brother, she was absolutely shocked.

I try not to judge people I haven't met, but this guy sounds like an absolute nutcase. My mom said she was talking to my dad on the phone, and his brother was just cursing very loudly in the background for whatever reason.

And quite honestly, the "judging" part about this uncle probably isn't relevant anyway.

RE: The woes bar...

wiifreak — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 01:54:10 GMT

Similar things happened to my dad as a child, which is a big contribution (though not an excuse) for his current issues. His stepfather was extremely abusive and hurt him in all kinds of ways. He tried blocking it all out, and 30 years later all the insanity started coming back to him.

I don't know what's going to have to happen for him to realize he must change, but obviously it hasn't happened yet. Through all this, me and the rest of my family have realized just how powerless we are. In the end, it is ultimately up to him if he's going to change. My mom tells me that he'll probably have to hit "rock bottom" first, and apparently the numerous times he's hurt us, and has had to serve jail time, and all that stuff, hasn't gotten him there yet. I just hope it doesn't become too late for him to change.

And yes, it really does comfort me to have someone to talk to about these kinds of things. She is my best friend. We always share stuff with each other that we don't normally share with others. I was opening up to her the 3rd day I knew her more than anyone else I'd known my whole life, and vice-versa. My friend told me a couple days ago that the tough situations me and my darling fight through in our lives make us stronger.

Who knows, maybe there's something to gain out of this whole thing with my dad. I certainly never expected the death of my sister to lead to me finding the person who I believe is my soul mate.

I'll think about having a discussion with my dad. I'm not quite sure how I would approach this, so I will have to think about that. He's still gone, and I'm not sure when he'll be returning.

Thanks guys.

RE: The woes bar...

Rez — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:59:28 GMT

Wiifreak, I'm going to tell you something.

Approaching your father one on one would be very tough to do. To elaborate, you'll likely have to convince him to break the habit. I know this feeling, confrontation is tough. Like Jonafat, I can relate to unjustified abuse. See, my father was a man who would not hesitate to take off his belt and slap some sense OUT of me. Yeah, I was beaten very badly for bed-wetting. I was late to stop that. In fact, I distinctly remember getting hit so bad, I had to tell people I have allergies. I already have sensitive skin, and that made it miles worse. It was like a snake-like rash, coursing around my body. Our instances are different however.

I wish you luck in approaching your father. A helpful hint, remember that when two people meet to talk, there are six people present: How you see yourself, how you see your father, and how you really are. The same goes in his instance. What I'm trying to say is, it's one thing to approach him. But do you see yourself as confident enough to? How will you approach your father to talk to him from what you see? How will he really react.

You won't know unless you try. Sorry if my hint is a little confusing. You know I only strive to help you.

RE: The woes bar...

Jonafat — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:29:21 GMT

Buddy, it really does help to have someone whom you can have the confidence in to talk to about these kind of things. Tell your young lady; she'll help you. I'll let you in on a little secret, being that this is the internet and relatively anonymous I feel comfortable in sharing, I'm an anorexic. Yeah, it's one of those things you don't expect from a manly man such as myself, but we all have our pitfalls. Luckily the first person I ever told and have ever told before this is my little lover and, although I still have hiccups here and there, I'm on a better path these days because she was able to help me get through things.

I understand that my being an anorexic and your dad being an alcoholic are two different things, but the point is that only someone who has such a emotional attachment to you can ever truly understand what you're going through. Don't bottle it up and just give in.

My dad too is an alcoholic, though it was much worse when I was a child. I remember getting beaten for playing with the sprinkler once. Getting beaten so hard that I pissed myself. I know that my brush with alcoholism isn't nearly as bad as what you're experiencing, but I do have some degree of understanding. Just hang in there, friend.